Humility

I was humbled today. However, the world never sees my inner pain. Like I said in my profile, rarely does it come to light what goes on in my head or in my heart. I have two close friends who know my dilemma; I'd do anything for them. I trust them.

It first began with waking up this morning; it was only 4:30AM. My mind wont rest, and I was wide awake. The thought of her haunted me. I laid there talking to God, pleading, for me to release my thoughts and feelings for her. I laid there not wanting to get up. If only I could fall asleep, the pain would go, at least momentarily. I got up to take my shower an hour and a half earlier than usual.

I was in the shower this morning thinking about her. It saddened me to know what I know of her. Never having touched her or kissed her, I feel such an emotional attachment. Please don't ask me why. I have no idea. I soon finished and sat on the couch watching TV. The ever so light gray color could be seen between my shades leading out to the balcony.

I got up and put my slacks and plum shirt on. I knew it was going to be a tough day: going to work on a Monday, thinking and thinking, going to workout, getting a quote on my up coming surgery, saying a Rosary that I always struggle to pray, the agony of thinking of her all day long, etc. I made my way out the door, started the truck and noticed that I was gonna run out of gas if I didn't get my ass to the 7-11!

As I turned up the radio, the DJ said her name. I was shocked! It gave me a moment of joy. She had been referring to someone else of course, but when I'm at my most vulnerable, something like this happens. As I backed out and drove out of the complex, I made my way to Mass that morning. I had to go! I was too devastated not to. I.......I don't know. I wonder at times...........

I arrived at Mass. There we were, all 25 of us. Another girl, sitting to the far left hand corner of the chapel, and I were the youngest in there by 35 years with no problem. It seems as if I skipped an entire 25 years of my life at times, going from my teens to my 50's in no time. Most people mistake me for my 30's whether it be work, distant family, friends, new acquaintances, etc. I'd rather be a kid again!

I sat there, stood there, knelt there. I could only think of her. Please forgive me. I sat there leaning my elbows on my thighs just thinking and reminiscing.

I left to work while calling my friend J. She's mad at me! I don't blame her; I'm a pain in her "fucking ass" as she would say. She's from Chicago; she's a lot tougher than WW ; - )

I got to work to see my mentor eating a burrito. Nothing brightens my day more than this woman; she is like a mother to me. I love her! Sassy, sharp, charismatic, and very easy going,,,,,do you guys see a pattern with me?

I went through my day and thank God it was steady. Too much time with nothing to do is hazardous to my intellect, my heart, and my dilemma. I was thankful! Besides, I like intensity. I like to be busy, but a down day is nice from time to time. With all the storms lately, it has been slow.

I was down today, but I never take out my problems on my clientele. I'm quite professional; I never take my personal life to work. Today I had a tough business case, a funny yet sincere old man, a long winded ......, you name it. These folks saved me today. In their being there with their situations both good and bad, I found solace. Thank you.

After a quick and uncomfortable lunch at a nearby cafe, I went back to work. I managed to call my doctor's office to get a price for my up-coming surgery (tell ya about it later).

A girl answered the phone. I told her who I was and what I wanted to know. So she decided to put me in contact with her office manager.....lo and behold........her name.

"What was your name again?" I said already knowing what she'd say next.

"My name is L,,,,,,the nurse is coming to give you a price. Can you hold on?" she asked.

"Of course."

I don't think two minutes went by.......the line picked up......it was her again.

"She coming. Just be patient, okay. Don't hang up"

"Sure, no problem."

I couldn't believe it! Just be patient? I hadn't sounded rushed or angry. In fact, I'm very kind to people. Believe it!

I finally got the nurse and got my business done. I hung up.

I continued the rest of my time at work. I joked as usual with my cohorts, I love that. I love sneaking up on "mom." I always get her!

Afterwards, I hit the gym. Did my back and lat routine and decided to skip the shoulders today. I left and went to a Subway down the road. I sat there looking out the window (you know how I enjoy the peace in that) as I munched on my turkey sandwich. Things ran in my head..."will I ever find peace? I would let her go but I need help in doing that. I have to trust that God has me exactly where he wants me." This final thought gave me comfort.

I left for chapel for I didn't want to go home. I prayed a rosary for the ones that I had offended and especially for L. I wanted her to be happy and have a great life with her family, if she has one or will have one. I felt at peace as I left. Now I'm home writing as I like doing.

I Wonder......

Coincidence? The world says yes, but my mother says no. Remember my previous writing concerning her........"With God, there are no coincidences." She told me this. She also said that once we started calling things coincidences, then we take credit from God. This reminds me of a movie I saw a few weeks ago, Archangel. The movie features our new Bond man. He plays a professor in search for Stalin's son. Yada, yada, yada.....as he walks through the woods with his associate. He makes the comment, "there have been too many coincidences, we were meant to be here."

A humbling Monday and I hear her name twice, once by "lucky" timing and another by destiny. One of them happened to tell me.........."Be patient!"

In the end, as Mother Theresa of Calcutta once said, "you must have faith in the fact that you are exactly where God wants you."

Even in the difficulty of Mother's words, I find great comfort in them.