They Walk In Pairs

I sat there eating my dinner. I love the food they make at this place. Its not pretentious, not expensive and very easy to eat day or night. It's never packed, and I like my place right by the window. I sat there tired as hell. I knew I shouldn't be eating this heavy, but oh well, I had to splurge a bit. Within the past hour, I just finished a leg workout, paid my rent, and examined my ever-so-late shipment of protein powder. It was 7:30.

I sat eating my chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes. As I looked outside I saw couples walking by. Some had children, some didn't. Some were old, some young. Some were chubby and some weren't. They all took weird forms, but they all seemed happy. They had significant others--wives/hubbies, boyfriends/girlfriends, lovers, concubines, etc. They looked happy. Suddenly, I had a deep sense of hopelessness. I felt alone. Hardly, do I feel that way, but it overcame me at just that moment.

I can undo the loneliness with anyone. There really is no problem there. But I want the one I want, not just anyone. Again, the sense of being alone haunted me. Growing old alone isn't the worst thought, but the thought of growing old while having her in my heart and my mind constantly frightens me. I cant stand it sometimes. The thought of having a problem internally that I cannot rid myself of, that scares me. Physical pain--two-a-day workouts back in high school, smashing body parts by falling weights in the weight room, semi-concussion in a playoff game, popping a molar filling on a Friday evening which caused excruciating pain over a weekend and not able to get a dentist, food poisoning four or five times and not going to the hospital, sinus infection suffocating my air supply while running up a mountain side in defiance of God b/c I was tired of having to see a doctor constantly for years after graduation--this "physical pain" I can withstand.

The pain inside that involves L and our Lord, I cannot bare. The dejection! The worst part--knowing that God may have hung me out to dry! Can this be? I dont know. I'm constantly fighting the temptation to get mad at God. It is really exhausting at times! I try to think of what Christ went through and how my problem pales in comparison. I keep telling myself that God is all-loving and wants the best for us. If that is so, why couldn't you have spared me this feeling? Why couldn't you have spared me seeing her in the first place? Why did we ever have to take that class together? Why? Tell me! Say something!

Then again single is nice. This thought soon crept into my head and soothed me over, but not enough. It was that proverbial alcoholic drink that soothes the pain temporarily. I know I can do whatever I want! Go to Europe, Austrailia, Carribean, Vegas whenever the hell I wish. I dont have to worry about asking permission or ever changing diapers. I can afford any car I want or live whereever I want. I can enjoy any hobby or craft. I enjoy the fact that if shit comes down hard I really dont need my job although I've enjoyed the few jobs that I've had. I dont have to lie awake at night thinking of how to support my family. I could become a man whore; it wouldn't be hard. Afterall, I would love to "experience" different women that I come across. To tell you the truth, the thought of her stops me from fantasizing about the hot bod in front of me waiting for her food. Yet the allures of the single life I do not want.

Its only 8:30 and I want to go to sleep. Proverbial drink anyone?