I Change My Mind

"No, I don't care about the stupid bikes."

"Oh come on, its for the soldiers. How can you be so ungrateful?" she said.

"It has nothing to do with the soldiers. I just could care less about a bunch of biker dudes trying to .........whatever they are trying to do. Besides, I'll go to Mass today and say prayer for them. Hah, beat that! " I shot back.

My mother just winced her face. She knew I had topped out on that argument. Of course I say this in the most humble way possible : - ) Me and mom, excuse my grammar, my mother and I are always goofing around. That's my family, sass and everything from brother to me to Dad to aunt to uncle to cousin to Grandmas...........we're all the same. The only who apologizes is probably my Mother.

I love mom, but she tends to take things a bit out of context quite often. She uses too much feel when deciding intellectual things, even if they aren't complicated. Come on ma', don't read too much into everything!

We continued past the memorial back in my hometown. We made our way back to her house, my home that I grew up in. It was the last day I was gonna be with her until I returned back to my town in which I reside. Its good to be with the folks for a while; I appreciate it a bit more now than I have or had in the past.

All weekend long, we talked about stuff from my surgery to moving, to buying a house for myself to finishing my flying, to bathing Nash to feeding him without breaking my wallet, to talking behind my brother's back to not admonishing me in front of public......we have come to be more comfortable with each other. I always wasn't comfortable with mom although I've always loved her. She once was being a mom when I thought she stabbed me in the back. I must admit; it was tough to trust her for the past 10 years. However, slowly I have come to give her another chance.

We got home. I ran out to do a few errands that I didn't want her to particularly take part in. Nothing to do with trust, but I can do more without someone with me at times. So I ran my errands. I came back home, and she gave me instructions to take some stuff to my grandmothers with the help of my bro. Fine, no biggie. After my fulfilled my order to my mother, I decided to come on back to my place.

As sure as it goes, it comes back to me. The dark cloud that has hovered over my head since January. It hit me. This time I didn't feel down, or sad, or lonely, or depressed, or hopeless..........but embarrassed. I felt embarrassed! As I write this I cannot remember why. It was only a day or so ago, but all I can remember is feeling embarrassed over my whole ordeal. I couldn't shake it. I felt awkward for some reason and didn't want to do anything.

I fought the urge, arrived at my apartment, and changed into my gym clothes. I rode to Gold's, but the place was shut down for Memorial Day. Swell! I really wanted to do my back workout. Damn!

I had planned to go Mass, but I decided not too for the feelings I had just developed earlier that afternoon. So I went back to my place and decided to play a little XBox. Texas A&M versus Tennessee Vols! It was fun; I always struggle playing them. That team really tries my playing ability.

So I sat there knowing that 5:30 would roll around and I'd wouldn't be at Mass. I felt guilty for I knew I should go and pay homage, yet I felt so embarrassed having put the Deity in a horrible position. I decided to play XBox. Why not? Thousands of us never go to Mass on Sunday, much less on a weekday as I had planned. I wasn't mad at God; I was just feeling a sense of embarrassment. The embarrassment of thinking too much and doubting God in the near past. I felt crappy, but not at all pissed or crabby toward him.

A break is good right? After all, he probably laughs at my dumb ass when I walk into chapel.

So there I was playing my XBox. The game was good; it was early on. At 5:14, I get a call.....

"Hello?"

"Hey, what are you doing?" Its my mother!

"Just here at my apartment.........I got in about a couple of hours ago." I said.

"What time are your services tonight?"

"They are at 5:30."

"Okay, well I'm glad you got there okay. I don't want to keep you because I know you have to get going soon"

"Thanks Mom, I'll talk to you later, bye."

I had to swallow a few times. Here I was feeling yet another emotion from all the ones I've experienced so much in the past few months. I felt humble, yet inspired. I really didn't feel embarrassed from this point on. I felt ..............confident. I felt there was no need,,,,ever,,,,,,,,to feel embarrassed in approaching God.

Coincidence? Impeccable timing? Chance? Big bang theory? Does anyone give a rat?

This confirms my wavering theory of God's timing as opposed to mere happenstance. A single phone call was my wake-up call. That call woke my senses up and got me to go to Mass. There are no coincidences........whatever I'm experiencing is intentional, planned, non-coincidental. This must happen!

I recall Darrell Waltrip's comment on Fox the other day just prior to the Coca Cola 600. By the way, I did attend the '99 Coca Cola 600. Anyway, he mentioned that the length of the race "would test the relationship between driver and crew chief."

I thought of myself. Am I being tested? Maybe, maybe not. Usually, as the good book has shown, God tests man prior to a major transition.

I wonder............