A Hungover Aggie

I got drunk on Christmas Eve. Half a bottle of Smirnoff..........I think this is how you spell it. I did go out to Sonic to get my folks a bite to eat.....I've never just taken a $20, for I always take my wallet with my credit cards. Their food alone was 18 and change. No money left for me, so I just said "fuck it" and took them their food. They asked me if I was hungry or where my food was but I told them I wasn't hungry. I lied! I didn't want to tell them I was hurting inside, and that my appetite had escaped me.

I kept drinking and eventually made my way to the bathroom. I lied down for I knew I'd throw up. I did or didnt........I fell asleep in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. My old man thought me for dead when I didnt answer the door. I was in a nice slumber. He eventually made his away aroung the house to the outside window that leads into the bathroom. He opened it to only notice that his eldest was sound asleep with nothing more than a slight shiver from time to time.

I awoke, and I felt great. It was 2 in the morning and thought it best to get the hell out of here (I dont like staying over at anyone's house, even Dads). I got out to only meet my stepmom. She asked if I was okay. I said yes and grabbed my bag that has my handgun and got the hell out of there. I wasn't drunk by then. I was wide awake, alert with no sign of discomfort or pain. I threw my gun bag, my wallet, and bottle water in the bed. I drove to moms.

I went to bed......I woke to vomitting stomach acid more than anything. I missed Christmas Mass. Does it matter? Countless years of devotion to that.......does it really matter? Really? Come on? Anyhow, mom came back and told me to move to another bedroom so our family could the use the one I was using to puke my brains out. I moved..........6 hours later I was good to eat.

I got up and pigged out. I was a bit sore, I must admit. Tea and food never tasted so good. I eventually drank lots of water. I feel great...........now!

I missed my family meal which I always enjoy. Mom bought me two gifts and I told her to go ahead and save her money next time. I always tell her that but she doesnt mind. I think I offended her........I'm a prick even to the woman who bore me. I love her though. I mean,,,,,,it means more to me that she listen to me and sit and dine with me than to buy me gifts that she knows I wont like or care for, muchless use. I'll make up for it this weekend when I go back.

In fact, one of my goals for 08 is not losing weight or make more money.......I want to be a better person. 2007 was painful.......I dont want it to hold me down.

Night

Meant to Be?

4th and 1, less than 2 minutes in the game, Pats down by 4 points.

Pat's QB Tom Brady takes the snap and lunges forward to only be stopped by a wave of defensive Ravens! Game over and Pats lose their 1st game of the season.

Not so fast.

A Raven coach calls for a time out on the sidelines prior to the snap. Play doesnt count and 4th down will be repeated.

4th and 1,

Brady takes the snap and hands off to the fullback coming off the left side. Again, stopped! Game over!

Not so fast.

A Pat's offensive lineman moves early thus generating a flag. False start, move the Pat's back 5 yards.

Again 4th and 1, Pats pass for the 1st down and go on to win the game on Monday night football. The perfect Cinderella season lives on for one more week.

A coincidence, sure? Why not?

Back to back coincidences? Hell no! One a kagillion shot.

Okay kagillion is not a word, but man you cannot deny the fact that these two seemingly setbacks (the timeout called and the false start) ended up saving the Pats the game and possibly their beautiful season. Both within seconds of each other.

One must be blind not to see the how this had to be......... damn!

427

I couldn't help it....I'm constantly thinking of her. She pops up even when I dont want her to.

I hate the thought......she's married afterall. I've told God numerous times to let her die in my heart.

On my way back from the chiropractor I notice a yellow light ahead. If I speed up, I can get catch it, I thought. Sure enough, the bastard turned read and I was forced to slow to a stop. As I inched forward to the car ahead of me, I got to thinking. My mind just cannot let it die.......it fucking sucks. I smile and just remind myself that its part of life--not getting what you want.

I happend to look to my left, and there it was. On a quaint little Pizza Hut no more than 30 yards away, I see this small white wooded address board on the corner of the building. Pizza Hut has dark colors, the traditional red and dark brick as you expect to see in most older towns not magically created by the invasion of northerners into Texas as you see in the eastern part of the state. Nope, Pizza Huts in the older parts dont have the fancy stucco with the contemporary, up-scale look.

Black numbers on a white address board, a bit out of place if you ask me. It was big and clear enough for a guy who needs glasses for longer distance viewing to see without a squint.

427

I smile. What a coincidence? Wait, there are no coincidences with God! Wait.....what do I know.

Too many ups and downs......

I'm tired........physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally.

Its Been a While, So Lets Brief This....

1. I'm sun burnt as hell from the Aggie/Red Raider game. I've come to look descent now.

2. I'm sorry my Colts lost against the Pats. Amy you still smell!

3. My notebook fried on me the other day; I'm sending it back to HP hence my being away for so long. I'm using my old dinasour. It served me well in Aggieland. I hate the 15" screen though.

4. I've worked about only twice in the past few months b/c of my injury. I'm feeling way better now. My bench is a bit low, but I'll be good within a couple more months.

5. I took X-rays the other day. The tech (a cutie) took her time aligning me on her table all the while having her hand on my hip.

6. I bought my dog a $39 dollar doggy pad for him to lay on for the winter. I thought about the $50 baby mattress but it was a bit too small for Nash.

7. I've been going to Mass regularly now. I did slump a bit for a few Sundays. I'll be so fucking glad when this year is over. Tests should cease by then.

8. I'm doing better in my taxation class. I'll have an A if I hang tough. This class will tell me a lot about what I want to do in my near future.

9. Coworkers........we're getting along! For how long, God only knows!

10. Damn I love Chinese food. I love Cajun food too!

11. I have been critical of Franchione, but I felt a bit humbled yesterday when I saw him on TV. We're all entitled to forgiveness, right? If his athletes can hug and forgive him, who am I to differ? If they decide to keep him, he needs to come up with a different offense though.

12. The Cowboys have impressed me ............

13. I read a private revelation by a nun who wrote that Christ once rebuked a priest for praying and not having enough faith in his prayer. This is the statement I've been thirsting for.........

14. A gift....... I'll explain within the next couple of days ........

15. I've gained a few pounds; its time to lean down for a couple of weeks.

16. I think I lost my shades. Damn, those things looked good on me! : )

17. Unless God has other plans, I would like to move to Vegas within a few years.

18. This beautiful thing looked at me at lunch today. She was a mom, and she was the last one to leave the table. Sound familiar? She turned and looked right at me and smiled....... Sometimes that means something and sometimes it doesn't. What I noticed before was that she made eye contact with me more than once on our way to the buffett. (chinese)

19. Marriage is like a stove.......give it five years and you'll want to do away with it! I tease! The thought hit me the other day when we were discussing depreciation.

20. I'm just hanging in there!

Night all!

Aggies...We Need Another Coach!

Lubbock was good; I went to the Aggie/Red Raider game in this past weekend.

We went to Lubbock and made our way to Jones Stadium. Section 11, row 5, seat 7........it was okay. My first Aggie football game; I'll always remember it.

The sun was out, but it wasn't too hot. I had my had my shades on but no hat. I had my grey aggie shirt and dark levies, folded at the bottom with sandals. I was comfy, but my little "issue" kept me from talking to the blonde next to me. After my surgery, the issue will be a non-issue.

The game seemed much a like a high school football game except these guys are bigger, not not much faster. 4.5-4.8 speeds in college are very comparable to high school 40's. Anyhow, blonde says..." I was about to say.........but then you said they were bigger......."

I explained myself to her. She was cute, nice legs, and very charismatic. The though of having her in my bed entered my mind, but I quickly realized that it isnt right to think that way of someone.

Why?

First, it offends God. It hurts Christ more than his scourges at the pillar according a revelation to one of his saints.....I forget which one. It was either to Gertrude, Bridgette or Faustina, but I know I read it somewhere. I dont want to be guilty of putting the whip to my Lord even I've had my fair share of doing that. I just dont want to do that anymore.

Second, how would I like it if my little girl went to a game or whereever and some guy is having sex with her in his mind. I shouldn't be a hypocrite so I'd better shape up. Chastity of heart and mind are demanded for if even having relations with her in my mind is adultery/unchasteness according to our Lord.

She was anti-Aggie, but she was good to me! Lol, she didnt rub it in; she was kewl. She had been drinking before for I could smell it. Smelly drinkers dont bother me unless they over do it.

I felt like asking her out, but as the game wore on, I noticed a ring on her left ring finger. Nice looking ring if you ask me. I thought it better not to pursue the issue.

So I watched the game. It was okay, but I noticed the Aggie offense is a bit conservative yet disguised as aggressive with its options and spread look. They need to throw the ball more. They need to stretch the field by sending it deep more often even if its not completed. By doing this, it makes the defensive coordinator respect the deep ball and adjust for a more preventive coverage. Fran needs to go........ he's too conservative for today's college ball. Besides, he had no business doing his newsletter!

The sun was intense ( I have a huge sunburn on my face to prove it. The last burn I got like this was back in 2000 when I went north to Fort Worth from College Station to see the race. I was peeling like crazy the following couple of weeks). Anyhow the score was starting to spread and I wasnt impressed. Come 4th we left to the top and made our way back to A's apartment. She has a nice one......I should transfer to Lubbock!

Transfer......yes.........the girls are plentiful and good-looking. My large, sorta, West Texas town is nice but a little further north wouldn't be bad. North Texas would be better, yet painful. Las Vegas would be my thing.

So we go there and the LSU game was on. UK was holding them to the fire....LSU would eventually lose in the 3rd overtime. Time to go eat!

We head to Outback; it was to be an hour wait for a table. We stood outside talking in the cool night waiting for our table. My bro talking to my cousin D and I talking to my cousin A who is a junior at Tech. I was talking to her over the politics of the classroom: lousy 1st year profs, curves, staying ahead of the competition; choosing another major, etc. She seemed undecided but I'm confident that she was reassured after our talk.

As I was drinking my Michelob Ultra and talking to her (she was sitting on the bench and I was a few feet away leaning on the patio fence), I noticed to my left three ladies. They were girls...all under 25, two brunettes and one blonde. The brunettes kept looking at me and quite a few times we made eye contact. Eye contact--you get that on and its on! I looked their direction no less than 15 times and everytime one would make eye contact with me. How bad I want to approach these brunette beauties, but how could I do this while being with my bro and my two cousins? Besides, A had a problem that I was helping her with........what asshole puts his desires before his family? I stayed pat. The idea of having dinner with three girls still tickles my funny bone, even now.

That nasty thought crossed my mind: two brunettes having it out with me. I quickly quelled the idea. Next thing, our buzzer goes off. We made our way to the door and in the process I walk by the ladies without looking at them. My company with them wasn't meant to be...much like the Aggies winning, the Cowboys winning, ................ The day was fun.

I wanna go again, but not for the football.

The night prior (Friday) I had a dream of Laura. We were in some dumb class and she sat to my right. She was so kind and easy going. Anytime I'd ask her something she responded with a smile on her face.......so patient, so kind, so radiant. It was just me and her sharing a long desk. I was leaning back in my chair and she was attentive.......... Her sister was behind us, sitting in a row. I turned and got up, and she leaned over to her sister and said something.

Her sis responded to the effect, "do you want me to show my tits or just wear a tighter shirt?"

I wonder if they are that different. She being a quieter animal whereas her sister is more outgoing and uninhibited.

It was funny. This is only my 2nd dream of her. The first happened back in December of last year when I was in Pheonix. Its in my blog........Oooohps, what have I.......

I think that dream and I notice a smile come across my face..........

Confluence?

Sometimes things come together at the right moment and in perfect order.

This week a lady friend of mine who was once in love with me asked me via Yahoo Messenger if "I'd be bothered by the fact that I would never hear from her again?" I hardly IM her......but I did a lot back in college. She wanted to marry me...... I wasnt "in" to her. I was in to someone else! I basically said that people go their own way and that I wouldn't fret about it but would understand and wish her well.

My ticket this weekend is Section 11......row something........seat 7! I picked seat 7 from my uncle's hand b/c it reminded of my stamp at work. My own personal stamp that signifies me. My brother told me we would be sitting in the visitor/Aggie section even though he and my cousin are Tech alums. Moreover, I was invited to this......I didn't push it.

I missed my trip to Chicago. I wanted to see Blo....but my sudden medical expenses have kept me out of that for this year. Shit!! I wanted to check out Narcisse.

I have a test on Monday. Turns out my first test went well despite having a long couple of prior days in Lubbock. This will be the same...trip to Lubbock, lots of studying, nice timing.

I'm going to confession after a long sinful drought. I just felt the urge today to go to confession tomorrow. It was subtle but significant.

Confluence........when things come together.........I cant explain it but I feel it.

Night

Off Tomorrow

I'm off tomorrow and here are my plans......

Hit Adoration by 12AM

Come back by 2AM

Get up by 6AM to go to confession (its been a while and got the sudden urge today that I should go even though it was subtle, it was significant)

Go back to my home town which is only 35 minutes or so east of me

Get home and study some more by 10AM

Go to the postal office and send my tax return,,,,,,,yikes!!!

Go back home and study some mo' ------lol 12PM

Stop studying by the afternoon so I can go see the Queen Elizabeth movie 3PM

Go back home and chill, a little more reading 6PM

Enjoy the evening with my high maintenance mother....kidding! 7-10PM

Watch House and hit the hay, feed the dog before I go to bed, sorry Nash 10PM


Saturday

Get up early Saturday and follow A to Lubbock to see the Aggie/Tech game

Knowing my ass, I'll forget my ticket. So just in case, I've had that overpriced thing in my glove compartment all week

Do they sell beer inside the stadium? No! Shit! : )

Night

666

There I was on my way back from dropping off my co-worker. I had to drop her off at the car rental place b/c her car has a screwed up transmission. She lives in the next major town just west of me which is only 15 minutes away. No, I dont live in Dallas!

So there I was checking my phone; I had it open. No new messages.......I was expecting one from Blo. I hadn't heard from her in a while. For some odd reason, I was reaching around to grab at things: the wheel, the radio, the A/C, the cup holder. Mind you, I still had the phone open in my hand which is highly unusual. Those Razors are easy to drop so I dont push my luck. Besides, I dont pay insurance on it.

I happened to be thinking among all this commotion how cold I've become. I've become indiffernt lately to life. I thought about going to the chapel and make my peace or maybe ask for help. Just as I was about to lose myself in all this shuffling around, I noticed a red light ahead. So I applied break and stopped behind the car in front of me, and to my astonishment I took a second look at my open handheld and there were the numbers..........666.

I was a bit set back (nothing new). I was there messing around and within 5-10 seconds I went from a blank, no message screen to a 666 dial up. I knew this was no coincidence. Nothing is.....even if I'm indifferent or not. Maybe its not wise to flee from my warm openess to the things that are naturally good. Life........never show indifference to this for it is not ours.

I hate knowing this b/c its true. The truth is what it is whether it pisses me off or not! The thought of recent lost ones passing away has scathed me little. I'm almost to the point of smirking, "get over it folks, its part of life." Those words resound in my head. It is a part of life, but must I be so cruel and callous toward it. Should I not show remorse and sympathy to the ones who were much closer? I should. Life is a beautiful thing regardless of how I feel or have undergone.

The "plan" comes to mind.

Vodka, Por Favor

"Why do you always insult me when you come over?"

"What? Are you kidding me?" I say in response to my father's ridiculous accusation.

"You come over here and put down my vodka....'Tito's Vodka, why dont you just go to Russia and order an enchilada'.......thats a nice way to talk to your Dad," he threw back at me.

I was a bit taken back; my old man is most sarcastic person I know.

I had noticed a bottle of Tito's Vodka on his kitchen countertop. After a closer examination of the bottle label, I come to find it was made in Austin, TX. How wonderful! I began to look around for a bottle of Kornikova's Tequila or Killian's Rum. How about the Pope's Ale?

Anyhow, a little teasing caught my Dad off guard. We were in and out of the kitchen tonight with all the eating and drinking going on. LSU took on Florida, and I lost the bet that the Gators would take it. They would have if the fucken ref had called the Gator player inbounds on the return. He was ruled inbounds but instant reply overturned it. However, looking at the reply form various angles didn't show indisputable evidence. LSU was given the call b/c they were #1. If you dispute that, you're fucking niiave, much like I was in my "youth."

Anyhow, I'm here writing this b/c I like writing. Saturday nights are tradition with my Dad. I go there every Saturday night during college football season. In the coming week, I will heading to the Tech/Aggie game in Lubbock. My cousin A is there, and she got me and my bro tickets. Maybe I'll hit the strip club the day before the big game! I'm teasing!

This will be my first Aggie game to see! I never saw an Aggie game before....... in all my years in Aggieland. In a way, I will have come full circle......yeah right. I tease; I'm looking forward to what I missed out on. I'll be glad to have gone to at least one in my lifetime. Maybe this will bring closure in some mysterious way. Dont you ever wish you can undo something you did or a choice you made? I do.

Night

Seeds of Love

Sowing the Seeds of Love

I was downloading that song when I just happen to have Seinfeld on ........ Then he said her name! He was introducing her to George.......... what the hell is going on?

I'm so fucking pissed and frustrated.......

1) I hate when professors teach at level 5 and test at 9

2) I hate being lost

3) I hate feeling like a fucking loser when its through no fault of my own

4) I like the fact that I will have more disposable income in my pocket in the coming months

5) Red Lobster is having Endless Shrimp.......gotta hit that before its gone for the year

6) I hate having coworkers that get away with their shit; I'd come down on their asses

7) Do you take the one with the cute face and hair or the one with the bod? Why not both?

8) Chicago is out of the picture. Funny how my financial circumstances changed overnight so as not to go up there. Is this shit in my head or for real?

9) Blo better not put my name up for some dating service.........I'll slap her : )

10) Bermuda cant come soon enough, among other things

11) Accounting makes no fucking sense; its bullshit job security for the ages

12) I'm tired and I'm ranting............

Is Anything Too Marvelous For The Lord?

I had just finished my lunch upstairs in the lounge. I really dont like leaving work during lunch to eat out. Why? Well, to get anywhere you have 10 minutes, which means 10 to get back. Now you are at 40, so that leaves a few to order and then maybe 20-30 to eat while looking at your watch to make sure you dont get back late. Throw in the fact that you cant really get into the talk and comfort b/c you know you have to get back to work. You also cant have a beer or mixed drink. I'd prefer to take a light lunch or microwavable panini instead. I prep, eat, and finish in less than 15 minutes.

Well, I just finished the panini and headed outside to the stone benches outside my building. Its a nice little padio to the entrance of the building. I sat there looking at my messages. I see a txt from my friend Blo and decide to give her a call. Blo is her nickname by the way......I chopped off the rest of her last name. No, it implies nothing more......pervs! : )

So I give her a ring and we get to talking. I'm surprised she answered her phone. She had txt'd me earlier and told me that she thought that "I should marry her." Anyhow, we're talking..... and then the call goes dead. I have T-Mobile and its rare, for me, to drop a call like that. I called back and automatically got her voicemail. I figured that she went into a tunnel. Then again her phone does suck.

I give it a second go and sure enough, I get her voice........ So I stop and look up to see traffic come and go. I see customers coming into the building for the various companies that are in the building. The majority are for Citi downstairs. I suddenly see my buddy K drive by on his riding lawnmower. K is an interesting guy-married, Catholic, mid 60's, very funny, playful...... He's one of the building maintenance people. I'll always remember him for saying to us in the elevator .....

Hey guys, did you know I've been married for 30 yrs and my wife still likes me!

Anyhow, he drove by and put up a finger as if he wanted me to wait for something. I was a bit confused, but I'd stay. A few minutes later he came by ......

"I want to tell you something," he says. "I know I've told you a lot about the problems I'm having with belief and faith and stuff."

I sat there just smiling at him and nodding my head. A couple of months ago, he was talking to me about a book he had read and that it caused him to lose faith in the Church.

"My wife and I went to..........." he goes on.

He basically told me that he went to a small church with his wife. The priest there wasn't politically correct..........he mentioned that Hell was for real and that Purgatory wasn't a picnic. He further pontificated how we will all answer to God for our sins and misdoings.

I was sitting and listening to the sermon he had heard on Sunday. The sermon made him realize how life should be taken seriously. He went on to tell me that as he was praying the Our Father, he opened his eyes to see himself literally off the ground. He couldn't explain it.

I was a bit taken back but I wouldn't doubt him. I dont doubt things that come through the spiritual! Maybe he was .................. I dont know, but I'm holding him to truth on this one.

"When you pray, you are in a different world. I truely believe that. And I thought I would just like to share that with you," he said as he finished. He was serious; he wasn't playing around.

He smiled and left to go back to his work. I smiled back and waved.

I made my way back into the building and to the elevator. I got back to my work, and it hit me. There was a reason for the ever so rare dropped call! Had the call not dropped, I would have still been talking to Blo on the phone. If I still had been on the phone, K would have never waved me down. Had he not waved me down, he never would have shared his experience with me. Had I not heard his experience, I wouldn't have pondered it and my faith wouldn't have grown that small grain. I believe that anytime someone experiences something positive when prayer or God is involved, it reaffirms, strengthens, solidifies, and reiterates our own in the smallest of ways.

I was glad to have heard him talk to me. Lately, I haven't gone to Mass like I should. I've missed three or four in the past month or so. I've been down. I've been indifferent.........the reality has settled in. I keep hearing that life is what you make of it, no one else can. Of course, but I was hoping God could help out. It goes back to L and college. It bugs me at times, and I lose hope. Now I know........its sad knowing that I've come to care less about going to Mass. Ouch! Never thought I'd say that!

I thought of Adoration. I've thought lately of not going anymore come new year. The presence takes me back to St Jo's in Bryan and how I begged................. I'm nuts! I just dont want to be reminded of what bugs me.......what haunts me............what burdens me! I'll go to Mass tomorrow morning. But I'm looking forward to this year being over! Too many deaths in the family, bad news, deviated sacrum (which I did nothing to throw it out other than lying in a soft ass bed for a whole day), my dog will be gone soon, coming to know of L's beautiful life, its all been tough. Dont get me wrong, I'm "happy" that she's happy now or so she seems. I'd never wish her distress or harm.

Then the fact of the situation, its timing......takes me back to another rare instance......

Back in June, I was haunted one Saturday morning..........I woke up early. She was on my mind. This waking up early was a common thing for weeks after me finding out her marriage, yada yada. So I got dressed and went to Mass that Saturday morning. I was in a gaze.........cold, indifferent, out of it. I seemed fine to anyone, but I was out of it. I hear the reading read by one of our parishoners..........it was about Abraham and Sarah.

By this time next year, she will be with child. Is anything too marvelous for the Lord?

I laugh at this statement. Sarah laughed when she heard the stranger (the Father) say that she would bare a child.............she was old and was impossible, so she thought. Sure enough she did bare the child as foretold. I, however, laugh b/c of the last statement......Is anything too marvelous for the Lord? Of course not, duh! I laugh now as I write this.

Of all the masses I attended, I rarely go to a Saturday 7AM one. I can count them on one hand! I cant help but wonder how I happened to hear this Mass much like how I dropped my call from Blo. Both were rare...........but both got me thinking. I was obviously meant to hear both. Both while rare, needed to happen for me to listen to something. Will I have a child by this time next year? No! Taken into context, what was to happen was not so much the child, but the fact that something was to happen that someone thought impossible! There is nothing impossible for God....I know this! I still laught, but.........

I wonder.

Lubbock

Its been a long two days!



Early Morning

I travelled to the upper panhandle of Texas to meet up with my boss. All of us did....from the northern part of Texas to the west and from Central Texas.......we decended upon our Administrative See........ In fact, my boss's boss was coming in.........my what fun!



A Little Later

I cant complain. I enjoyed my trip up there....only two hours away, but first I had to travel a bit West to pick up a coworker.......she's a quirky one. I love her to death though. Before heading north, we decided to stop and have a hearty breakfast! I love breakfast even though it'll throw off every other meal left in the day...........



Noon

So up we went through those lovely plains.... I think they're plains. Anyhow, as we got to Lubbock we noticed the heavy construction.........I had to call E to get directions. After a while, we got there. Dont get me wrong.......I've been to Lubbock but never from the western portion. I was a bit thrown off, and it was already getting late as far as being there on time to start the conference. Anyhow, we got the directions, and we got there just fine!





I wasnt dressed for the occassion... blue/black rusted Levi jeans with a black tshirt. Everyone else was hyped up quite nicely...... I wasn't going to be with the public so who gives a shit. Upon entering the conference room....... there was only one person there, my boss. It's always nice seeing her: a great smile, attractive disposition, a wonderful personality, and an embracing hug. This day was no exception! After some chit chat, I found out that the rest of the crew had gone down the street to eat Italian, I think, and she was left to set out the cake and sweets. It had been my birthday earlier in the week, and she, as always, was gracious enough to celebrate it with a nice chocolate fudge cake! Another coworker had a b-day, but I thought it proper to go ahead and take the only cherry that straddled the sugary flouer mixture! I'm an ass! What can I say?



I settled into my assigned chair, one of many that were aligned around four tables that formed an equidistant square. There were no inferiors or superiors here. All are equal in my boss's eyes even though we all think the world of her. Some say this to kiss ass..... I dont. I wont work for some asshole or bitch. I'm selective as who I'd go work for, for I have no wife or kids to have to force myself into grave situations.



Anyhow, I got to meet some folks who work in our group that I had never seen but only had heard in voice via telephonic conferences. It was nice to meet them, and nicer to be able to put a face to the voice. N, a once despised female coworker turned allie, made me truffles! This couldn't get better, or could it?



Mid Afternoon

We sat there going through the various materials that were before us. Things ranging from problems we wanted to see addressed to the latest cut ups that our finest minds could muster. These people are fun! Anyhow, there were no ass chewings...... it was all good. My boss had to get her boss at the airport. Cheddars @ 6PM. Hit it! First, we'll have to go by the motel and get our crap situated......we were running late remember?



After Work-4:45PM

I drove J and myself to our suite. No, we did not share one! I loved the place we stayed at. I love 12 foot ceilings as opposed to the conventional eight. High vaulted ceilings, taupe color, granite countertops, fridge, two desks, couch....... this place was my kinda place. Nothing spared here! I tossed my bag on the couch and began to unzip it.......



"Hello?" I said.



"Its me! I'm lost!" D said. She was the other b-day person. The fact that she was lost didnt surprise me. Hell, the drive from work to the suites involved only one right-hand turn.



"Where are you?"



"I'm at the corner of 19th and University."



"Then we're right there......."



"I cant see. Are you next to a gas station?" D has a bad habit of interrupting you while you speak.



"No!"



"Uh, are you next......."



"Listen, we are at the corner of University and 19th, right across from Texas Tech...."



After a few minutes of tag, she finally found her place. I continued to unpack as I had been before I was so rudely interrupted ; )



5:30PM

I make my way into the dining area of the hotel. Their happy hour was lousy: Bud Light, Coors Light, and one other beer worth forgetting. It wasn't doing it for me! No mixed drinks, no Michelob, no Killians..........nada! So I decided to leave to Cheddars a bit early. I was a bit glad b/c the bosses were arriving for the lousy happy hour....



15 Minutes Later

We walk into Cheddars. It was semi-full, and we noticed another co-worker who was already there waiting on a table. It was for a big crowd, about 15 of us. I was told to get a table before I left the suites by my boss. She was gonna stay behind to have a few drinks with the leads and her boss at the nasty HH at my suites. I figure that the coworker had that covered as she told me, so I decided to headed to my immediate left...


"Ladies, I'm gonna go have a drink." I said to them



I headed to the bar area....only a couple of tables full. I sat at the bar and ordered my Mojito. This bartender actually went the whole way to crush the mint.......I'm impressed! I sipped that baby as if it were gold..........it was great! Not bad for 5 bucks. I sat there with a view to a couple of flat screen TV's and an open view of the entrance. I saw a few people come in, some good looking and some not, some old and some young. After another Mojito I see my lead come to my left. I must have been sending a text from my phone to my cousin to tell her that I wouldn't be able to see her. I had to study soon after I left the restaurant.



"What are you doing?" he asks holding his palms open.



"I'm just about to pay my bill...." I said.



I started to shuffle for my credit card as he headed to the bathroom. I was trying to get the bartenders attention. She was cute too! After a few minutes, E is coming back from his excretory exercise.



"I'm going......... I just gotta get her to get my check"



He began to ask about another coworker and what was going on. Sometimes, coworkers dont want to hang around with their bosses afterwork........... paranoia does that to ya.



"I really dont know what her deal is, " I tried to explain. "She just doesn't want to hang........"



"She's not really a bad person......." E goes on to say. He's a good guy with a good heart. He did a good job of assessing what was going on..... As a superior, he knows more of the story than I do. Of course, he wouldn't tell me anything than I already know....as he shouldn't.



6:20PM

I'm walking back with my Mojito with E to the back of the restaurant. It was my second Mojito and as I walked further I noticed how much more sunlight was present in the far end of the dining room as opposed to the dark bar. There were two tables: one with all the bosses and execs and the other smaller one with the ladies. I opted, by choice and also by no other seats being with the execs, to sit with the ladies. Cheddars bolted the tables down so no get-togethers. Good idea....my eyes weren't exactly firm. So there I was about to order my third Mojito talking to the ladies about Europe, farmhands, coworkers, position transfers, food, bread............. The ladies were nice; they're truely sweet!



7:30PM

The execs get up and head on out. I sit there alone as the ladies had left b/c I was waiting for J to get back from the restroom. I was her ride for the trip. It was my job to look out after her. Finally she gets back, and we head on out.



15 Minutes Later

We get back to the suites. R and my boss's boss head up to the dining area.



"We cant let good beer go to waste!" BB says



"Nope, especially after you've had the good stuff first." I said with a smile



So we sat down, just us three. Drinking a brew and talking about houses, real estate, Fed decisions, world markets and much needed advice to me about biting the bullet and getting the house I need. Need? That is a bit too strong.......should get. There ya go.



9PM

"Damn, what time is it" someone said, I forget : )



We get up from our chairs and head out the room. Unexpectedly they both said good night to me. I was a bit taken back. Here were some very uppity up guys who had the decency to think of me as far as saying 'good night.' I was taken back and thought myself blessed to have been there. You know as I do, the smallest of considerations go a long way.





2 Minutes Later

I'm in my highy vaulted room with all the bells and whistles you could ask for. It was time to study! Charitable contributions, active/pass loss activity, phasing itemized deductions and exemptions....... it was long winded. So I decided to keep it short and simple. From out of the blue, I get a ring on my phone. It was Blo......... she had left me a txt message saying:



I'll call you later. I'm talking to Josh right now. Night!

She never called........

3AM, the next morning

I woke to the running water in the toilet. I guess the rubber stopper wasn't sitting well in the tank. It would run ever other minute or so......... It was really pissing me off; moreover, I felt a bug in my stomach. I was thinking that it was maybe the mojitos, or the potato soup, or the shitty beer that I hand drank just a few hours before. I laid there in bed. It sucked. I tried the bathroom thing.......nothing worked. I got up to drink water......nothing. So finally I made myself puke! Sorry .............

5AM

I was up on and off the past couple of hours. Nothing was working......I knew that if I could sleep it off, then I'd wake up fine.....my experience tells me this. However, I cant fall asleep b/c of the damn toilet tank. I need my sleep for tomorrow's big meeting, the ride back home, and my test for later that evening. It was going to be a long ass day!

6:30AM

I had stayed up b/c of all the crap that was happening. So I cracked open the ol' book and decided to study. I noticed after a while that it was time to get ready. I noticed something was missing.........my toothbrush! So I call the front and sure enough they have complimentaries. On my way out, I noticed my leads sitting and having breakfast. Damn these guys get up early!

8AM

The meeting starts, and we are going back and forth. It was interesting.......... I said something and everyone laughed! I cant remember but I felt good!

12:30PM

Meeting is over and boss is leaving to drop of her boss. We all say our good byes, but we are hungry. We can get together to eat......I start thinking. If I accept then we get on the road later and that takes away from valuable study/rest time. If I stay, well.............we eat once more together. So I decide to stay and eat with my leads and my boss. A BBQ place is chosen to meet at. I get there first and it sucked. Its much like the unventilated place in my town...very small. I cant have people in my space. This place was way too packed and the benches were way narrow. Fuck this! I leave and pull J with. I call E and we randevous or however you spell it at another joing. This new place was nice. My boss was the first to show up. She sat over on the other side next to J. We talked about ............. I just remember how she was so radiant, so kind. I'm gonna miss her when she moves on in a couple of years!

2PM

After my wrap, we hug each other and head on out. I stop to get gas, and we leave Lubbock. Half way through our trip, I'm falling asleep. J of course is talking, but I cannot stay awake. I'm so tired........... I pull over to get two deep fried burritos and a coke. This meal is so unlike me............ but it tastes damn good. It keeps me up. My text my boss and thank her for the cake. She txts me back saying that it was good to see us and how she wished my luck on my test. I love her to death. Have I said that before?

4:30PM

I get back and drop her off. I'm tired and head to school. I dont need to take this class but I want it to do other things possibly. This particular class will tell me a lot about what I want or not want to do. I'm so uncertain about my future................I just dont know. I'm uncertain about many things........my future, family, money, flying, my dog............. Shit! So there I am on the 3rd floor sitting at a table viewing the nice scenery before me. The sun was up. I spent the next few hours studying............ I remember looking up and its dark. I'll never wait to the last minute again!

8:30PM

Class starts and time for the test. It's kinda tricky but its fine.

9:45PM

I'm the only one to get up thus far and turn in my test. The room is still full of test takers. Wait, I was the second guy to get up. Sorry. I make my way out the class and down the stairs. I drive home..........exhausted. No doubt that I missed a few due to shear tiredness from drinking, driving, non-sleep, yada yada yada. Hey, all things are meant to be..........right?

DFW Queer

There I was on a Monday morning at Dallas Love Field waiting on my connecting flight to KC. I had just finished my morning "breakfast". It was nasty! It was a dry, sausage and biscuit muffin. No cheese, no grease (sausage has gotta have a little), no nothing! It sucked. I got two of them and a drink for $8. I sat at a high chair/table and dug in. It really sucked! After I ate and killed time by looking around, and from time to time I'd stop to gaze at the TV at the bar. You know those airport bars/eaterys..........half was a Pizza Hut (I think) and the other half was a bar.

So I sat there thinking, looking, thinking, anticipating, wondering, regretting (my breakfast), pondering..............you know how my mind is extremely active right? If you've read my blog, you do know that.

So I was killing time, and I got a chance to overhear the bartender. She was a tall, lean older woman. She was extroverted and outspoken. She wasn't an asshole, but she wasn't the kind to hold back. She was one of those ones that you could hear talking b/c of the way she was. She was sociable but unrefined. I thought her cute in her own little way!

After a long wait, I decided to head to my gate. But first, I would check out the ever so accessible Hudson Newsstand! Hey, I wanted to see what kind of goodies where in the magazine articles. I checked out the covers.........especially the ones with hot looking girls. My, my, how that Anne Hathaway reminds me of........

I felt my bladder getting full and thought it wise to hit the men's room before my plane boarded. Those damn airplane bathrooms suck! So I make my way in the room and sure enough they have unwalled urinals. No biggie, so I walk up to it and tried to take care of business. Well, I was feeling unnerved when a little kid came to the mini urinal next to me. For the ladies reading this, in every men's room there is a urinal that is half as high as the rest for the handicapped and kids. There's ur lesson in excrement ergonomics.

So the kid looked up at me. I knew it b/c I could tell from the corner of my left eye. I didn't know to look back and smile or just mind my business by looking straight ahead. I felt weird, awkward. He kept looking at me, and all I could think of was "kid, get your ass out of here." I'm good to kids but give me a break, not at the urinal.

So the kid zips up and leaves. I still haven't let out a drop! Chucky boy made me nervous! So there I was concentrating. From the corner of my right eye, a shorter man comes in and pulls his ............ to drain. He was in uniform; he had the hat and burgandy shirt. I was a good bit taller than him......... After a while, I noticed how his head went from looking straight ahead to looking toward my direction. This was unnerving! First a kid was looking at me and now this middle aged Hispanic man. I'm not knocking him for I am Hispanic.

Then I noticed something different......way different........he looked down and bobbled his manhood! I dont know if he was trying to show off or just make sure every drop was out. Over the next minute, no one came in to the bathroom. No one! At least another four times, the man bobbled his pecker while looking at me! Mind you, I still have my prick in my hand and was keeping my gym bag behind me. I kept noticing him looking my way................I was beginning to sweat! What bathroom had I walked into? I finally had enough and looked right at him by turning my head. I looked right at him and he looked right back at me.

"Buenas," he said to me smiling. It means "good one", "good day", or "have a good one" in Spanish. He said this shit while bobbling his dick at me!

I just made a hideous face at him and turned around to view the wall in front of me, the ugly ass light green 60's wall. All I could think was.........."I'm so fucking embarassed! Oh my God!"

If the son of a bitch had touched me or leaned close to me, I would have fucking beat his face in! I would have lost my job for I was on travel status........I pictured dragging his ass into the toilet stall and leaving his ass there for near dead. I wouldn't kill him, but I would have freaked out on that little dude. Anyhow, after five minutes of being at the urinal and not shooting a squirt, I zipped up and washed my hands. I noticed that he had an apron on as I left; he was still at the urinal. I left and walked to the other end of the airport where I'd hook a left at the Corner of Chili's and something else to find another men's room. All I could think about was how I wished the man would wash his hands before going back to making burgers.

So I walked to the end. I found a potty room and took care of business. I was praying that I'd walk in the men's room and NOT find a queer man there. As I noticed that this one was occupied by the cleaning dudes, I locked myself into a stall. I would do my business in peace without harassment from any nearby queers!

So I relieved myself quite well ; ) I got up and left the bathroom. It was busy, and lots of people were around. I love airports! As I walked back to my gate, I was approaching the vicinity of where the other bathroom was. To my greatest fears, I noticed a little man walking away from me. It was the queer! His hands were in his pockets, and he was just strolling along. I noticed that he wasnt a cook, but a shoe shiner! As he began his stroll back to his pit, I looked away and pretended to not notice him. Sure enough, he noticed me. He just stared at me as I walked by! I could feel it for seconds on end. I walked within a few feet of him and I could see out of the corner of my eye that he looked up at me starring. I hated the feeling and wanted to ring his scrawny neck. Why not? I bench 250; this guy would be nothing.

I just walked on by and went to my gate. I sat down and looked around. No queer man around. Thankfully, my gate was far enough from his shoe shine pit. I kept looking and wondered if anyone knew what I knew. Did anyone notice a queer man looking at another man, me, in the bathroom? Everyone seemed into their own little thing..........I was good. I could relax. I couldn't wait until we boarded to get the hell out of this place!

As I sat there...........I wondered if the guy was queer or just checking on the competition? Guys will look at guys dicks, not b/c of queerdom, but to see how they stack up to the competition! Much like coaches scouting out opposing teams prior to the big game. LOL

I wondered....... Could it have been my attire. I was looking good if I say so myself. Grey slacks that hang good of my ass, a grape long sleeved shirt, nice burgandy leather shoes. I wasn't shabby! I really dont know!

For the male readers, beware of the little 5'5 hispanic man who shines shoes at Love Field! Dont hurt him, for he is God's child. But do avoid his ass like the Plague!

Have a good one, or as they say in Spanish...........Buenas!

Lunch @ DQ

I was tired! I had just had a busy morning with complicated issues at hand. More and more, I'm able to handle my business issues quite well without getting help. I'm learning to think in the way it takes to handle those. Turns out my guy had well......long story short, he screwed himself over. I addressed his issue and advised him of his downfall and what he could do to avoid doing the same mistake. He agreed, but I know he'll keep doing the same thing over and over again.

Another person came in, and we were together for over an hour. His issue went back a couple of years, not to mention the fact that I had to do tons of paperwork b/c he want his situation done a certain way. I so hate cash. Folks, get a checking account!

I was tired, mentally. I could feel the pressure on my forehead. It wasn't bad, but I knew I needed a break. As I finished with my contact, I was eyeballing the clock on my computer. My coworker should have been back by now so I could leave for my lunch. It was well past 1 when I knew she wouldn't be back on time which was 1 o'clock for her.

I decided to see a few more people, well at least one more if they were quick. I'd ask more or less what they wanted and then judge to see if I could resolve it quickly. If I could, I would help out. Sure enough, a few more had quick issues..........then I heard the back door open. I decided to finish up and head on out; it's 1:30.

I walk into Dairy Queen just down the road; it was nicely renovated from the inside. Like other fast food joints especially new ones, this place has gone contemporary with high chairs and high tables, tiled walls and lush, cozy booths. It's a 30 second drive by car and a five minute walk by foot. So I decided to tear into a chicken strip basket, 4 pieces, and decided to get that. 8 bucks mind you! Anyhow, I chose to sit at a high table near the corner of the place that faced out into the street/downtown area.

I LOVE SITTING IN A QUIET PLACE TO EAT AND SEE THE TRAFFIC GO BY. I LOVE IT--THE QUIETNESS, THE SIMPLICITY, THE CALMNESS.

Next to my table, a black man sat. He didnt seem polished, more like a street person. He was awkward and begged for my waitress's attention as she left my table from delivering me my strips. Maybe she didn't hear him or maybe she didn't want to hear him. He simply asked for a cup of water. He had just sat down from coming from outside. It was nice outside, a bit warm but nothing unbelievable.

I sat there eating my strips. I pondered giving him money, but I only had a 20 with me. I had paid by debit card. I sat eating and notice my cup of gravy was running out. I had two strips left and some fries...... do I get more gravy or just play it lazy and keep my ass seated? After much debate, I opted for the gravy : ) I got up and asked for some more. They charged me $.54 for it. No biggie!

Then it hit me! I knew then that I was to pay for this gravy with my 20 so as to break it and have change to give to the dude who was thirsty. I knew instantly what G, the man upstairs, had in store. I'd get my gravy which I wanted, and the man would get his water which he wanted. Its a win-win situation.

So I return to my table with gravy in hand and change. I grabbed two bucks and put it on the table of the vagabond : -

"What thi' fo?" he asked.

"They're going to want that if you want a cup," I said.

"What?" he said with an odd face.

"They are going to want to have that if you want something to drink," I explained.

I quickly turned my head and started on downing my tasty strips. They were good!

I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he eventually got up and got himself a small cup. He got something in it and then headed outside. A bit later I noticed him smoking a cig. I felt dumb, but I new I did my part, however insignificant. As I kept eating, I noticed him walk away. He did look at me directly as he crossed my view but didn't smile or anything. He simply walked away.

I sat there a bit relieved from my stress. My head was lighter now, but I got to wondering about L again. I keep telling myself over and over to just be happy for her. I am happy for her. I'm just taking a hit as far as faith goes. My physical condition right now since KC isn't helping either. I'm okay though.

Of course other things ran through my mind. Then I decided to come back to reality and go back to work. I still had half an hour left but oh well. I got another half refill of root beer and headed back. After I parked and headed back to my building, I noticed a man sitting outside on the stone bench. He had his back toward me....... it was the man from DQ. I thought how interesting the whole ordeal was.

What the hell did I just write about? lol

The Apple Martini

Two of these bad boys, and I'm good to go!!

Bitter Sweet

My mentors descended upon my office this past week. It was good to see them again. I was pleased to see them, for they are easy to get along with. I enjoy people who are easy to get along with!

Both were to do reviews of our work. More and more, I've come to be ..........not indifferent, but confident in my approach to "tests."

The test.................. it could come in the form of an interview, an exam at school, a naked woman in front of you, a hardship in your face tempting you to turn away from........ they come in all sorts of shapes and stuff.

I was being reviewed and I was hoping for a quick and dirty contact. Well as my luck would have it, it was anything but.........

He came in.............speaking Spanish. I was like "oh great". This would surely sink me. I come from Spanish descent, but I never really came to know the language all that well. I understand it better when they speak it to me as opposed to my speaking it. I can write it pretty well.......but my speaking sucks!

Moreover, he had a notice. This just drove the hammer in my heart deeper! My Spanish isn't good enough to get into this kind of depth! Those ever radiant, harsh but inspirational words came to my mind...........the stuff that makes me get things done when I'm not feeling up to par......"just suck it up." Those words...........they take me back to my high school years when I played football. Those years were painful (physically) at times.

I wont go into detail. Ironically, this case was detailed. This gentleman had a lot going against him, and it was my job to pull his ass out of the gutter. As I proceeded, I was gaining momentum even while at times stumbling, but I hung in there strong. An hour and a half later, I had complete a very thorough contact and managed to pull off my proceedures just fine, at least I thought.

Today, I got my review on paper. It was the most stellar one yet! Words such as "good", "pleasing", "thorough", "complete", yada yada yada. It was great. For a second, I wanted to treat myself to a lot of booze! Two minutes later, I came back to reality. It was fun.

Then I got to thinking about that saying, "For those who desire sweetness must not flee from what is bitter." Had I found a way of getting out of that contact that I already knew would be difficult and potentially embarassing to me(the bitterness), then I would in no way had such a stellar review. The fact that it was something much more complicated and in depth than that of any of my coworkers had experienced that day, and the fact that the review would be in my profile for as long as I work there was sheer sweetness.

Today proved a great example, as I see over and over again, that everything has its price. Everything has its cross!

For most of my life, I've avoided the cross. I'm Catholic but feel inept at times to be part of the Mother Church.

I'm tired...........

I better catch a nap before my hour tonight!

Aggie Band

An Aggie Band video automatically downloaded to my ITune list yesterday. I really dont know why........I always control what I want. I attended TAMU, but I'm not sure I would want a video of the fighting aggie band. I was never into the whole "tradition" thing at Aggieland. I was a loner remember?

Anyhow it was a much needed reassurance. Earlier in the day, I was conversing with my mentor via email at work............I remarked that if I had to do it over again that I'd "probably would have gone elsewhere." Quite a tearing feeling, even though I wasn't into the school spirit. Its there, but I wont express it by yells, a ring, a howdy or shit like that.

Quite "coincidentally", it came at a time when I've been down. I'm more down b/c I feel uncertain about my future: what I want to do for the rest of my life, that fact that I'll be single for the rest of my life, getting my commercial license, my unsettled back and numbness I'm experiencing, getting my masters, my impending surgery in December...........

I need a martini : )

I Love Your Look

I was walking gingerly from the parking lot to the building in which I work. My back is better but I have a numbness and lack of feeling in the right side of my right foot. Thank God there is no hurt involved.........I hurt plenty during my trip to KC. Only was it when I returned that I felt better.

Anyhow, I noticed a 1/2 ton truck pull up and a girl was outside of it getting her stuff. I saw the back of her, but I really didnt pay attention. I made my way up the red curb to the building where I always walk alongside newly planted shrub where the exposed watering system can be seen. As I walked, I noticed a few people approaching the doors from the far side, a couple of ladies I recall. Coming from my immediate left was an oriental girl; she seemed in a rush to get to the door. Maybe she was running late?

Either way, I was the last to enter the building. I made my way to the right of the fountain that is immediately inside the building, positioned in the center. I noticed that the ladies were already at the elevators waiting for one. The one to the far right closest to me opened up; we all got in.....me, the oriental, and two other ladies. I stayed near the buttons pressing for my 2nd floor, yet the doors were still open. As I looked up, I caught sight of the girl who had been getting down from the large gas guzzler just moments earlier. As she hurried near, I mad her face out, it was the beautiful young brunette that works above me. We had run into each other in the elevator before sharing eye contact every time. This time was no exception. I didnt smile at her but I did stare right into her eyes, as she did mine.

She entered the elevator and stood behind me, but while swinging herself around her bags hit my gym bag.

"Sorry" she said. "Hi, >>>>>>>>>>>>>>" for the the life of me I cant remember the name of the other girl in the elevator. They worked together.

"We work together in the same office; I've got so much stuff,"she went on to say at the other women in the elevator. It turns out that her and the oriental work together.

The elevator reached 2nd floor......I walked out gingerly, slowly. I got a slight limp in my stride, but I'm not entirely awkward.

There was silence as I stepped out whereas a second before there was much talking and laughing.

This girl is really good looking. She's a couple of inches shorter than me, lean, nicely shaped.....great smile.........desirable!

I had not noticed her b/c her husband as it turns out drives her to work in a different truck. Moreover, I had noticed recently that he was taking her to another location of town around the same time she would go to work. I got to thinking that maybe she got another job! Why not? A lot has happened since I've been away to KC.....three new neighbors, old ones gone without saying good-bye, dog eating better than ever, lots of mail, cat fights spurring up at the office all of a sudden, my back out of whack, my buddy back from the Orient, God being pissed at me................what else could be different? For the past day or two, I momentarilly got sad to know that I'd never see this beauty again. Even though she's married, it is always nice to look at a pretty face. I love when we make eye contact!

Today, as she entered the elevator that thought of her being away was gone! I was like, "things are not what they seem!" True, she still works there. Where she was being taken the previous few times over the past few days was beyond me. All I knew was they she and hubs were in a different part of town when it was time to be heading to work. Well, quite frankly they were up the road a few miles...........but as I said, things were not what they seemed.

One more thing, she divulged a ton of info in only a few seconds. She made it obvious to be noticed; she was dressed nice. In those few seconds, I learned 1)where she worked, 2) with who she worked, 3)another stare at me, 4) obvious contact with my stuff to make communication and 5) the flat out obviousness that she really didnt need to say anything but she made the effort to start conversation that divulged tons of info.

Rarely am I attracted to a girl...........Laura was one..........this is another. Two girls over the course of 8 years.

Interesting is attribute one! Things are never what they seem is another!

Sweetness

Who was the saint that said, "Those who desire to taste something sweet must not flee from what is bitter."

Kansas City

KC is a nice place........I was there for the past three weeks. I went there for training, and it was very interesting: the food, the people, change of scenery, a new casino added to my repertoire, a dose of unwanted humidity, and an unfortunate incident that happened after about a week that I was there.

The Food
I ate at all kinds of places.....it was great. From high-end, pretentious bistros (cheesecake pic)that offer little in the way of a menu to the working man's classic, pub-style restaurant to a family authentic Italian joint that did not spare one inch of wall space to only display everything Italian: musicians, playwrights, dramatists, artists, culture, cardinals of the Church..........I could go on and on. The food was great no matter which place we chose to eat. Granted, we did stop at an IHOP one Saturday night after our casino visit b/c we were starving. Quite frankly, nothing else was open @ 1 in the morning. Nevertheless, I enjoy food!! The above pics are of the fountains at the Plaza, a ritzy upscale neighborhood of high end restaurants, bars, and retail shops. The skyline pic is of Skies Restaurant atop the Hyatt Regency.

The People

I will never forget the folks I met at this trip. Never have I encountered such charisma and joy at such an outing. I met a lady named E and her buddy T.....we all sat next to each other in the back row of the class. I had the greatest time with them. These ladies happen to be from the upper Midwest. They were in the forties, but we had chemistry like no other. We couldn't stop laughing for nothing. We got along so well......I wouldn't be able to bring a writing to a close if I began writing about them. I will miss them like no other...........it depresses me to think of not seeing them again.

Then there was P and El. I spent most of my off time with these ladies. Again, they were much older than me, but they sure as hell didn't look it. P was a bit more firery, cynical at times. El was the most understanding, compassionate, humblest person I've come to know in a long time. We spent a lot of time together. We hung out eating, talking, walking through the Plaza, giving each other advice (me giving El tips of stocks and her giving me advise on getting married), advising each other on test material for class. They were my sisters for three weeks, and I always be so grateful for them, especially El.

Then I came to really know H about midway through my visit. I got such a kick out of him. He's very talkative and sharp. The bastard's sharp! Turns out, he comes from a long line of lawyers........the reason he didnt pursue it was b/c he didn't want to be like his family. This New Yorker moved out west for the work.....and something else. I forget. Anyway, he's a great guy that I hope to see again in the future.

My Accident
I threw my back out! It was a lazy Sunday @ the Marriot. I was laying down for 10 hours on a softass bed. Correction: the bed was fine but they placed a soft shell comforter on top of the mattress. All week, I was getting stiff in my back, but nothing that didnt go away by the next afternoon. Others told me the same. Anyway, a week into my visit I was lying around and sure enough I heard a small pop. I didn't feel different, but I did have an ominous feeling. Afterall, I've thrown it out before by twisting my torso with someone on top of me or by sleeping wrong (my mom once told me I sleep kind of crooked). Throwing out your back is no biggie, but you have to see a chiropractor within a day or two so as not to prolong your situation. Sunday night, I got up to walk, and I was stiff.

The next morning was excruciating! In fact the next 12 mornings were excruciating. I could barely walk, sit or fall asleep at night. Of course, when I got to work, I found a way to sit as to feel no pain and the E/T combo always took away the pain anyway. I was laughing, remember? They were a blessing to me........God forsaw my dilema and gave two angels to keep me company.

Well, it was difficult to see a chiro.......... b/c 1) I was in an unfamiliar place that I had never been to, 2) I was on foot with no efficient transportation, and 3) I had testing at work.....so it was very hard to see anyone.

Long story short.....I hooked up with two chiro's. The first charged me 400 bucks for two visits which did absolutely nothing for he was "gentle" and focused on accupuncture. Folks, the gentle method of realigning the spine is for grannies,,,,,,,,,get real. The second helped me exceedingly. In fact, he took me back to work a couple of times to spare me the cab fare. He was great, but again being in testing was difficult for he was closed so many times during the week.

I will not complain.............it was a great trip. I'm 90% back from my ordeal and am able to sit and sleep just fine. Walking is good too........just some numbness in my right foot which will receede in time. What hurt me was all the walking I endured with tremendous pain. This only makes it worse and prolongs healing b/c of muscle tension and inflammation.

The last couple of nights I was there were good for me. The pain was gone mostly, and I was able to go out with the ladies and H to drink and eat.

There is a reason for everything.
Well the last Thursday of class, and I was pain free. I would, we all would, be leaving Friday. I was up to par and went out to eat with El, P, and H at Tomfooleries. It was a nice little pub to eat or drink. It was just after five, and I was gonna drink. El didnt drink.....P had a magarita....H had his screwdriver (one of few) and I had my Mojito followed by a Long Island which was followed by two Appltinis. I was stoned.

The talk was good. We talked about everything from lousy instructors, to H's family, to the saints, God, yada yada. I'm honest and humble when I get to drinking.

Then somehow I got to thinking why my back went out on my "vacation".

"Everything happens for a reason," said H. "I have learned that everything happens for a reason."

"I think so too...." I responded. I immediately thought of my new job, L, my back........everything. "Quite frankly, had I not thrown my back out I would have been at a bar every night. Having to go with little sleep and getting up for work is nothing to me."

P and El just smile.

"Exactly, God was probably saying........'let's throw this guy's back out and......' " H went on to say.

I just laughed......... he was right. Things do happen for a reason. What caught my attention was his term "let's". It implies a group obviously. Why would a Jewish guy use God in the plural? It reminded me of the Trinity. The Father said in the begining....."Let us create him in our image." A little while later you have Adam! It touched my heart, but I didnt express it. Rarely do I!

I was happy! I was happy b/c my back was thrown out b/c God willed it. It dawned on me that it was meant to be..............I sound insane but its true. It was his will that my back go out. I hadn't really brought it on myself............it was meant to be. I just needed to hear someone else say it.......I need to be reassured at times. H was the man to deliver the good news even though what I had gone through was painful as hell. I remember being in my room early morning and biting on a towel b/c of the sensation until I mustered the force to walk out of the room. I was such a wimp!

"Afterall if we dont throw out his back, he'd be u know........" he continued while flaying his hands and arms. H used many facial expressions complemented by his hand gestures to communicate. He's so uninhibited and kind...........he's kewl!

He's right.....I would have been hitting on women and drinking lots. Its true! The women in the Midwest are beautiful. They are taller and leaner than what I'm used to seeing. Granted, I wouldn't have gone home with them........but afterall that I've been through in the past year, I would have enjoyed the company.

All things happen for a reason............... hopefully I'll be able to ask God one day. Not as a condition or him oweing me for that would be insane, but more as a curiosity for when I see him I would careless about what had happened in my life. I would just like to know how it was to fit all together.......u know?

But I still cant help but wonder............. ; - )

Closure

As I came in for landing, I knew I was high. I was way high.

I was under order from my FAA examiner to complete a soft field landing. Everything was good: my flap execution at 10 10 10 was good, I didnt violate my Vfe which would have failed me, 2nd hash mark was on line as my touch point.......everything was good........except my height and speed. I was coming in way too freaking high.

You're supposed to come in a bit high. You are to assume a 50 foot obstacle at the start of the runway. Not all airports are nice and trim like McClellan in Las Vegas or DFW........sometimes airports are in dense areas with shit around them.

As I approached the runway.....all I could see was runway. Most times, you should see runway and the end of the runway........not this time. I was TOO HIGH. As I neared, I applied back pressure...........I flared too early. I skipped across the runway........I bobbled big time. I landed, but it wasnt smooth or pretty.

"I need to do that again," I said to the examiner.

"That was horrible, try again," he said.

I went back up, flew pattern, and came in again. This time everything from timing to flap to speed was good. The landing........well it was better.........but not great.

Up I went again........again time was good. Pattern was maintained, speed, flap......as I neared the runway......

"Pull up, abort landing!" the examiner ordered.

I retracted the flaps, carb heat, and gave full power although not necessarily in that order.

I pulled up and regained pattern.........

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked.

"No, it's just something I wanted you to do in case you're flying and you notice something at the last minute that causes you to abort.....I gotta pull that on you."

I was relieved. I thought I was doing something wrong. Up until my first landing I was perfect: great work on slow flight, VOR trace, stalls, turns about a point, unusual attitudes, take off, radio comm,,,,,,,everything. Hell, I even got us back to the airport after he had me under the hood withouth knowing heading, etc. I like to think, and flying is a thinking man's sport/hobby/livelihood.

"Now, this one is going to be a slip," he said.

I love slips. It requires you to put the plane in a side ways position to loose as much altitude as possibe in a given time. I love those..........and I ended up nailing it! In fact, you could barely feel the wheels hit the runway..........thats how good it was.....the smoothness.

"Thats it! You pass!" he said to me.

I was so relieved. For 2 years now, I've finished something that less than 1% of the population have.............a private pilots license. It was fun. I should have finished it within a few months, but my situation was different. I wont go into detail.........other than a little laziness, bad weather, a change in job, inspections, etc. Many things got in the way. Its over for now.

In the near term,,,I'll be logging in cross country and working toward my IFR rating.

Whoop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ooops, What Have I Done!

It was a late December evening in '06, and I was having a drink downstairs at the bar. There I was sitting there awaiting my food. I had just awaken from a quick afternoon nap and thought it good to check out the bar scene just below. I was in the mood for talking to some folks, girls chiefly.



So I sat there. It was a weekday evening. I had never been to Phoenix before, but I had to be here because of work. The night before I spent with an old buddy of mine that I used to work with; he's a great friend of mine and always will be.



Anyhow I drank a bit and ate. Nothing there was spectacular; I made small talk with the bartender. I couldn't help but feel a bit lonely being away from home with no companionship. Of course, she popped into my head from time to time..........



Nothing special was going on so I headed back up early and went to bed.....



I had a dream......



In my dream I was with a girl. She tall and lean. She was blond which caught me by surprise in my dream. This girl was great for me. She got along well with others, was good looking, great personality, all that stuff. Thinking back, I remember a portion of my dream where we are walking to the car........she's walking ahead of me and Nash is walking with her all excited. Anyhow, I remember thinking in my dream that she was perfect.........for me. It went through my head then, and I know it now. In fact, we were engaged to be married!



Then I'm in a bar scene.......looked like a Logan's. It had the wood setting with the bar and nut shells on the ground. I was at a table with two buddies, J and A. These guys are buddies of mine in DFW that I met in Fresno in the summer of '06. They are great, and we love eating out together. We grew on each other, especially J and I. Anyhow we are eating and drinking and my fiancee is behind us at another table with her friends. There wasn't a table long enough to seat all of us, so we were split into two.



Anyhow, I remember looking to my left, and there she was walking toward my direction. She smiled at me and as she turned to her left to come up the steps, she waved/gestured at me to come to her. I immediately got up to greet her. I gave her a hug..........I cant remember what I said to her. I think I said something to the effect that I had missed her and that it had been a long time. I cant remember what she said. I do remember smelling her; I could literally smell a strong odor about her as I hugged her (when I woke from my dream, I literally remember the strong odor I smelled about her....I cant explain it). It wasn't a bad odor but a smell that was stronger than you would know to be from a girl. In fact, the shirt and her odor may have tied into her doing some charity work, physical work. She didn't smell as if she got ready to go out. She smiled at me. She was dressed in a white t shirt advertising something or another charity thing, blue jeans..............I loved the way she looked even though she may have just put on some rags for all I knew.



It was L. It seems that in my dream I knew her, and she knew me. It wasn't awkward! It was peaceful and tender. She was alone, and I didn't see a ring on her finger which pleased me.



I remember asking her after our hug "how have you been?" She just did the 'okay' sign with her hand and a slight smile. "How about you?" she asked.



"We're getting married." A sharp interjection came before I responded. It had been the voice of my fiancee. It was sharp, timely, and the tone was unmistakable. She meant to be abrupt and assertive; there was nothing kind or patient about it.



L just smiled at me nodding her head as if she were happy for me. All I remember doing was looking down and thinking........."what have I done." I wasn't happy anymore. I remember thinking.............."I don't really want her; I want YOU."



I woke up! I had never had a dream about Laura before. I really don't know what to gather about it. If anything, it may hint that I got impatient about my whole situation. I really don't know.

Its Been A While

Again, its been a while...........let's see.........



1. I bench over 225 now.........



2. I'm still thinking of L day and night even though I keep asking God for peace



3. I really need to give my life some direction: retirement, flying, career.....whatever



4. Maybe I'll go to Chicago while I'm in KC



5. My new neighbor is cute.....I have an ominous feeling already! Be on guard!



6. I find myself fearless yet shy at times.........



7. More and more I'm having to force myself to see family..........painful stuff



8. I've pondered giving up on Adoration.........temptation is great to do that



9. My Razor is needing charging almost every other day........shit!!



10. Lil Bush is the bomb!!!



11. My friend who turned 40 is having a week long celebration...BBQ's, eat outs at Chili's, golf tourneys, drinking.....



12. My dawg is looking worse and worse.....please get better my puppy dog!



13. Those dollar chicken sandwiches at Wendy's are good and worth the money : - )



14. I'm eating less and less; when I go out to drink, I find myself wanting to keep drinking as opposed to the old days when I'd drink and then eat. My protein shakes keep me up.....desire to eat is little



15. I was thinking today............in two years, I will have lived half my life. What have I done?



16. Sometimes I wonder if God just turns a deaf ear to me......it cant be true or maybe..........

Lazy Coworkers

"Dude, what the hell happened to you?" my buddy says laughing like a hyena.



"I freaking got held up at work.....my coworker decides she wants to return whenever the hell she wants. Its so frustrating," I say as I'm walking away to get my BBQ plate; I could hear his unique laugh as I walked to the serving line in the back. Everyone in the place heard me.....its not that big a deal, and I wasn't cussing.



I had just walked into a BBQ joint that my fellow Aggie buddy like to meet at sometimes. Its a quaint place in downtown, less than a five minute ride for me and less than a ten minute walk for him. I had just arrived there to see him in a booth eating and smiling at me.......he knew what had happened.



"She does this shit all the time......it really pisses me off. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death, but man, she does her thing without regard for anyone else, I think. I mean....if you leave for an hour, you're supposed to be back within an hour,,,, right?"



"That's the way it works in working America," my buddy J says laughing.



"I'm gonna rag on her ass when I get back."



"Don't worry, I haven't been here that long."



I could tell he was telling the truth. He hadn't gotten far on his plate. I was a bit relieved. The thought of me getting to lunch late doesn't at all bother me........what bugs me is when people don't care and cause others to leave late. It really boils me!



So we are there......talking about how I should of, according to J, strutted my stuff in high school for I was a quarterback for a team who had a pretty good season. He couldn't believe that I just went to school, to practice, played on Friday night, and then cooked on the weekends for car money (Mom told me that I had to pay my own insurance if I wanted a car), and then wake up for Sunday morning Mass where I was either scheduled to serve as an altar boy or not. Then, after Mass it was off to eat with the folks or go to eat at Furr's with my younger friends. That was it.

"But Dude, you were the quintessential Friday Night Lights" he says, "Shit, I can't believe you dude."

"I'm not you. I did all that stuff....it was a job!"

"And you went to A&M and didn't hang out or party...." he says in amazement.

"Not really."

"Do you regret it?"

"Well, I do regret a few things (I was thinking of L)."

"I can't believe you!" he says shaking his head wide-eyed. He looked away into the small crowd. I managed to get a whiff of my shirt; damn, it smelled like BBQ! I love the smell, but I gotta go back to work. The place could use better ventilation : -)

"I just went to school. I can't say that I enjoyed it, but I am glad I went there. There have been times when I wished I didn't, but now I see that I was blessed to go there, a gift. Besides, I don't make habit to get attached to anything, for things come and go."

"Dude, I was nothing in high school, but I loved college even better. Dude, there you can leave your past behind and become someone. You could have strutted yourself in high school, but you didn't. You could have easily made your way into the frat houses, and they would have rushed you like crazy......but you didn't. Why?"

I sat there listening to him. I was really into my brisket and German sausage. This joint is stuffy and needs a real AC, but I really like the food!

"It was a job, whether it was going to school, playing ball, or cooking. As far as A&M, well I was more a loner. I went for the paper.....not to have fun per se. It was okay. But yeah, looking back I would have done a few things differently....(again, I was thinking).

We then went on to talk about his former job. He wasn't treated well at his former job....they were not a meritocracy, rather a system of promoting incompetency b/c they wanted to build up their little Tech proteges. It hurts my friend........I just listen.

Here it gets serious for what happened to him...........I'll say no more out of respect for him. This is why I keep my name and those mentioned here as letters, a secret. Many of the things are very very personal........that's why much is withheld. I try to keep my memoirs light!

And He Breathed New Life Into Him

I had been in the shitter all week!

No, I was not sick or had........u know stomach problems. I was down......major down!

Nevertheless, I went about my work (it was busy, thank God), went to workout (I'm getting stronger by working smarter and harder, but timing is key) and got out of my damn apartment before I really get shitty! It was a productive day! By seeing me throughout the day, you never would know what goes on in my mind and heart.

Lately, I had ran the theory through my mind that if I had not attended TAMU, I wouldn't have the shit in my head and heart that I do now. Last night before I lay asleep, I thought of it as a meat grinder gone wild within my heart and mind. How do you rid something that is internal, intangible, life-sucking, yet has no physical features. Viruses, bacterium, fungi are all "things" that have an origin and can be seen. This shit in my system........cant be cured with an antibiotic. It sucked! To be honest, I had been getting rid of everything Aggie: t-shirts, shorts, sweaters, and the magazine I got in the mail today. I hated the thought of the setup.....until I turned on my ITunes program.

In one particular playlist.........my God I cant believe this happened........I have two band songs....Tribute to Troy and Fight On, the USC Trojan theme songs. I was thinking.....USC would have been a good school to go to. Notre Dame would have been good.....UTA would have been good too. Anything but TAMU which is the alma mater of our highly touted L. Had I only avoided applying there...........

Lo and behold! I see, as the first song on the list, Noble Men of Kyle. "What could this be?" I was thinking to myself. I played it..........it was the one song that I loved more than the others! I never knew the title of it and I never could find out which school CD would have it............I was in awe! I hadn't downloaded anything since a week! Nothing..........absolutely swear to the Almighty! Never did I see anything, download anything, look up anything.......it was just there.......on top of the list! Most downloads show up at the bottom of it, at least my defaults have it that way!

I just looked up............A SIGN. I knew it! No "buts" about it. It was a gift! Out of the blue when I was feeling regret for a gift given me back in younger days for something stupid such as a girl..............I now know in my heart..........there is a reason for this! I was meant to go there and go through this anguish due to this girl...............in knowing that.............it gives me peace!

Mother Theresa..........."you have to have the utmost confidence in that God has you exactly where he wants you."

I have new life.........I'm at peace, nor do I regret anything any longer........there is a reason.....time will tell!

I was telling a friend the other day that.............."you have to see the big picture.........for God does that all the time. How do I know this? Easy......he allows (he doesn't create it) evil to happen to bring out the greater good." God is a big picture kind of guy.......which means that little details are not perfect nor all that important, but the end game is the most advantageous to all parties, even the person going through the crap. He's interested in souls for his kingdom, not ours.

The big picture.........I knew that through all of this mess I would be fine.....in some weird way. I knew I'd be okay, but I would have to go through Hell to get there. The big picture.........please God be easier on the details with me next time..........please : - )

Do As I Say, Dont Do As I Do

I love that phrase! Don't you?

Anyway.....if you read my blog.....I wanna know about it......especially Aggies and Texans in general......don't be shy...I'm not : - )

All comments of indifference, condescension, praise and especially sarcasm are all welcome!

Split The Difference

There we were speeding along a curving main road in my hometown. It was four lanes wide, two lanes going and two coming.

"Don't you ever follow the speed limit?" my brother asked sarcastically.

"Whats the speed limit..." I asked coyly.

"Bitch, you know the limit........you haven't been away from here that long," he shot back.

As he said this I was passing a car which was on the right; it was red. As I turned my attention back to the front, I noticed my speedometer was tapping 58 while the limit was a 40. As I had the sense of amusement, for I knew the limit and was just in a hurry to go eat, I noticed a Camaro on the near opposite lane wanting to turn ahead. The turn was going to cross my path and that of the car that I had just passed. No biggie.....it would just have to wait until the red car and I cleared........well little did I know the Camaro was for student drivers........

The student driver began his half-ass turn and decided to stop. The problem is that there is no turning lane on this four lane road. His fucking nose was three to four feet into my lane which is already narrow as it is. He decided to stop......... Anyhow I put on the brakes, but my momentum was just carrying me through and through........the back brakes locked up and the rears skidded. I wanted to swerve to my right, but the red car was upcoming.

I wanted to stop but I was going too fast. The next course of action......TURN INTO THE FUCKING CAR! There is a problem with that........the opposing lane furthest from me, nearest to the student driver Camaro was a large Chevy SUV. Two sets of cars even with each other going in their respective directions, not much room for error.

No time to think! I turned into the Camaro and the on-coming white Chevy and hoped to split the difference. Sure enough there was room for the Camaro had pulled enough into my lane to free up space between his car and the adjacent truck. I squeaked through there as nimble as a cat. By this time, my bro's ass was off the seat with a big time "shock and awe" look on his face.

"Fucken eh baby!" I said so excitedly for I had pulled off a total disaster. I had been tested and passed! I kept my nerve in the face of sure disaster and possible death. At no time did I ever think of the pain or loss that would have been experienced in the coming moments. All that ran in my head was, "how do you play this?" "How do you avoid disaster?" I passed with flying colors. My bro and I were stoked about it afterwards. We high-fived each other and laughed. I was totally ripped to do anything. The adrenaline was phenomenal.......

Its been 8 hours since it happened. I know for sure that the occupants of those four cars/trucks will have a story to tell from here on out. Death was cheated today!! I know that later on at lunch, my brother seemed a bit held back a bit.......I guess the reality caught up to him of what had happened and what could have been....... After all, he has a daughter.........I don't have shit.

I'm sorry that I had put him through that. His ass was out of the seat hollering through the whole dilemma. He values life a bit more than I do. Amazingly, I was calm afterwards.......no shakes, no sweating, no sense of loss, no sense of remorse, no thanks to God for averting disaster..........I was cold about it. I joked sparingly about it. In fact at lunch, my mother had talked about a funeral she attended.........."well, you almost attended two more today, let me tell ya," I chimed back.

Cynical about love, happiness, and now life.........my God, what has happened to me............